Friday 4 May 2012

Freedom is the Key to Successful Relationships



I remember once a guy told me, 'I don't know what to do. If I call a girl a lot, she says that it is too much, if I don't call, she says that I don't care about her.’ Indeed, keeping the balance within a relationship can be tricky sometimes and there are no universal recipes about striking that balance since everything is circumstantial. Nevertheless, there is one key ingredient that is vital within a relationship and it is freedom.


Why freedom? Well, some people fall under the illusion that in a long-term relationship couples become each other’s' half. It is like opening a whole new chapter of your life (of course it is) in which they have to completely denounce some of the things they were before or they used to do, as they either have to fit in a certain image or for other reasons. Also, the idea is that you become more connected, meaning that the relationship consumes you both and you become 'one'. Therefore, this 'oneness' concept assumes that two halves come together, not two separate, truly wholesome individuals. This is the point where things start getting busy - the adjustment, possible compromises and acceptance of the things that the other person is not willing to change.

People try different scenarios:

1.some devote themselves completely, to the point of not living their lives as wholesome individuals. While this may be showing love and affection, it backfires later on when you realize that you have made far too many compromises, haven't done the things that you wanted and the other person may have failed to notice that, is not fully appreciated you, taking for granted your constant support. On the other hand, the other person may say either that they have not asked for all these compromises in the name of his own good or that you are not the person that they liked initially , because you have lost your individuality.

2.In the second scenario , there are those who believe that once they get married to the other person, they will be forced to change their ways or alternatively, they will change the other person in a way that what they don't like now , will vanish later. Here is a surprise - none of these works. Feeling forced to change , you may work hard and you may try to comply with certain rules and conditions, but in the end you will revert to your old self and you won't be able to stand even a moment of this. If you decide to change the other person you will be in for a constant battle for overpowering the other person, restricting certain behaviour and encouraging another. There will be the continuous fight over who is right and who is wrong and endless arguments and quarrels. People don't change unless they want to or feel that it is necessary, even then it takes time. If you do manage to change the other person according to your preferences, you may end up saying a sentence like, 'You are not the person that I liked before...the one I liked would...'


In India people really value freedom and for them, if a love does not give you freedom, then you should throw it away, because without freedom one cannot be happy. Indeed, everyone needs their own space to be themselves, to develop, to be with friends and even for a moment of silence, even being in a relationship. Freedom goes both ways - you give freedom and you use your freedom. Actually love and freedom are the two sides of the same coin - we need both to feel happy and accomplished as individuals. We should not have to choose between both, we can have both.

Monday 23 January 2012

How to Avoid Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings have long being at the heart of personal disasters and have destroyed many relationships.Speaking the same language does not guarantee that the other party will fully understand what we mean , what , how and why we do things the way we do.With life becoming busier and with the increasing volumes of information that we have to process each day, misunderstandings are bound to occur.


Some of the most common misunderstandings can come from lack of or insufficient information,'mixed messages' and from cultural, religious and background differences. Quite often misunderstandings come from the initial presumption that the other person knows what we mean and also from the subsequent expectation about a certain action or reaction from that person. Well, unless this other person has known you for years, there is no way that they can read your actions and the way you communicate your thoughts.


There are some simple rules that can help you to avoid misunderstandings:


1. Beware of your audience - the language and actions that we use to communicate our message can be interpreted differently , depending on who we present it to.If you are interacting with an audience from a specific cultural,religious or other background, make sure that you follow their customs, traditions and rules of communication and interaction.On a personal level, make sure that you find out more about the other, so that you know , based on that, how they might act/react.This can help you avoid false expectations and presumptions about what is right and wrong in a specific situation.


2. Read the situation and the environment- timing and context are of vital importance; if you fail to time your actions or verbal interactions with the context of the situation and the place, all you do can lose its effect, can aggravate the situation and in some instances can pose a physical threat to you.


3. Be precise and go straight to the point - beating around the bush and using long, complicated explanations, descriptions and arguments is something to be avoided.Being straightforward gives other people the comfort of knowing how to position themselves according to what you say and what you do. It also gives them a degree of predictability about how you would react to the way they would interact with you.Furthermore,this would give you an advantage in situations when you don't have enough time to get your idea across and will save you from the other party's lack of patience.


4. Ask for feedback and leave room for clarification - where possible, make sure that the other party has fully understood your message, actions , motivations or intentions. If you are presenting information or you are engaged in negotiations , ensure that there is the possibility to clarify and further define terms and aspects of the issues under consideration.


With good communication many unpleasant situations can be avoided. We are still living in an age when we rely on verbal and written expression , so do not rely on other people reading your mind and create false expectations based on your idea about how something is supposed to happen or how someone is supposed to act/react; everything is subjective and relies on various circumstances.